Hard Push
by MsMorg
Summary: Beckett deals with suicidal thoughts in the beginning, which is set sometime between the end of 4x20 and when she talks to Dr. Burke in 4x21. I'm calling it 'slightly AU'... Rated M for suicidal thoughts and some gratuitous sex scenes.
1. Threshold

**Hard Push**

**Beckett deals with suicidal_ thoughts_ sometime between the end of 4x20 and when she talks to Dr. Burke in 4x21. I'm calling it 'slightly AU', could have happened, but didn't. **

**I'm going to take a moment here to formally thank Lou for reading around six different versions of this and offering opinions until it was 'just right', THANK YOU.**

**NO CHARACTER DEATH.**

**Trigger Warning! - If suicidal thoughts make you uncomfortable, please either do not continue, or do so at your own peril.**

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She wanted to blame the alcohol, wanted to shift it onto someone or something else. She couldn't do that though, and she knew it. She had barely finished one beer at the bar before she decided to take her pity party to a more private location. She had tried half-heartedly to flirt with Hunt, but it was a lost cause, all she thought about was Castle. Everything Hunt said reminded her of something Castle did or said, and it hurt to think that he had given up on waiting for her. It was all her fault.

She stumbled around her dark apartment, not bothering to flip any of the lights on. She found solace in the dark. She didn't have to look at herself in the hall mirror, see the pain reflected in her own dark eyes, her sunken features. No, the dark offered her a cloak to hide behind, even from herself.

She should have stopped pushing him away months ago, and now it was too late. He was off with another woman, sharing dinner, and lunch, and jokes and information about the case - even though he really shouldn't – and it was all her fault.

As she reached her bedroom, she shrugged out of her leather jacket, tossing it onto the chair in the corner. She unstrapped her father's watch from around her wrist, placing it gently on her dresser, her mother's ring quickly following. She pulled her badge from the waistband of her jeans, and reached for her holster to unclip that as well. Her hand hesitated on the cold handle of her service weapon._ I could solve this problem once and for all_, she thought_. It's common among cops, after all. All the death and destruction we see, it all goes into that pot, and sometimes it just overflows_. She shook her head slowly, _maybe I should call someone_, her brain finally supplied, coming out of its darker musings. _It's too bad the one person I want to call probably wouldn't answer. He's probably off having a ball with __**Jacinda**_. With a huff, she drew her weapon from its holster, and holding it at her side.

_It would be so easy to just end this all, the endless quest for justice, the pointless search for love, the rampant denial of any and all feelings I have. _Her thoughts became self-destructive again, and not for the first time, not by a long shot. _I wish I could just go back. Why did I have to be so stupid? Why did I have to push him so far away? Why do I always push everyone away? _ She was crying in earnest now, the tears streaking down her cheeks in a slow, familiar pattern.

_No. I can't do this. Think of what it would do to Dad. Or Lanie. Or-_ but she cut off that next thought, refusing to let herself believe anything existed between Rick and herself any longer. She was heavy, and not much _fun_ to be around anymore, she knew that.

_I just want this to be over, _she thought, raising the weapon slightly. _If he couldn't hold on any longer, why should I? _She paused for a moment, letting the fact that she needed him settle over her. _I've needed him all along, and now that he's leaving, what's the point? As much as I would love to shoulder this alone, and push on, I know I can't. _She slumped onto the floor, leaning back against her bed, the hand with the gun in it resting heavily in her lap. _I know it would hurt some people, but it's not like I'll feel guilty after I'm gone. The guilt I have now is enough for a lifetime anyway._

_That's not the point though, is it? _Her thoughts bounced back and forth, unable to just make that final of a decision without some sort of forethought. _Shouldn't I ask him what happened, why he suddenly couldn't take the wait any longer? Don't I deserve to know? Before- before I make this kind of decision? _She sat there a while longer, letting her thoughts circle, trying to figure out how she would ask him in the first place, when a knock at her door interrupted her inner musings.

She made her way blindly through her apartment, gun still in her hand, tears still staining her face. When she reached the door, she yanked it open without looking through the peep hole, she was armed after all. A soft gasp fell from her lips when her eyes met those of one Richard Castle, clad in jeans and a zip-up hoodie.

"Castle-" She whispered.

"Kate! Are you alright?" He exclaimed, his hands reaching towards her automatically. He caught himself midway to her, and placed his hand on the wood of the doorframe, pretending to lean against it.

"I'm fine," she mumbled automatically, hiding slightly behind the door as she stepped back to let him into her apartment, flicking the hall light on.

"Kate, you're crying. What's wrong?" He asked, his eyes shining with worry.

"What's wrong, Castle? What's wrong?" her voice shook, growing louder, "I thought you were going to wait for me! I thought you understood!" She burst out, surprising even herself.

"Understood?" He choked a laugh, losing his worry immediately, "Yeah, I understood alright! After your interrogation with that kid in the bombing case, I think I got the message loud and clear, Beckett!"

"Int-" she began, before the realization hit her like a ton of bricks, and she squeezed her eyes shut, "No. Castle - No."

"No?" He questioned, an eyebrow raised, his eyes cold when she finally met them.

"That's not how I wanted you to find out," she choked out, her breath having left her.

"Well, that's not how I wanted to tell you how I felt, all those months ago, but that's how it happened! I guess we both have things we regret saying." She could see the ire rising in his eyes, even as they burned into her own.

"No- Castle, please don't say that," the tears started a renewed stream down her face, but she refused to acknowledge them by wiping them away.

"Say what? That I regret telling you that I loved you?" His eyes seemed to grow colder, if that was even possible. "It may have been the biggest mistake of my life."

"Please, Rick, don't," she pled, a visible shudder running down her spine.

"Why not?!" He clenched his fists at his sides, "Beckett, you've turned me down at every turn! You shut me out for three whole months! I didn't know if you were even alive!" His voice cracked ever-so-slightly at the end, hinting at how much that time had pained him.

"Rick, I regret that more than anything," she whispered, her eyes trained on the floor now, unable to meet the hurt in his eyes.

"Yeah, well that's just great," he spat, "what do you wish had happened instead? That you had just told me to skedaddle after the hangar? Or maybe that I had reacted sooner, taken that bullet for you? That _I_ had been the one to die in _your_ arms?" His voice tapered off with the last question, reliving that heartrending moment behind closed eyelids.

"No, none of those! Rick, I wish I would have told you that I felt the same way, that I still feel that way, I- I need you," she confessed, meeting his cold gaze with shining eyes.

"You have a funny way of showing it, Beckett," he shook his head, his eyes closed tightly. "Usually, when you need someone, you don't shove them out of your life; you hold them close, draw your strength from them, what you're doing is the exact opposite. I just- Beckett, I don't understand," he let out a long breath, and when he opened his eyes, they were no longer cold, but sad and uncomprehending.

"I- I know that I haven't been showing it well, but please, Rick, give me a chance!" She stumbled over her words slightly, " You, Rick, you are my strength, or at least part of it, and I-" she took a breath to center her thoughts, "I've felt sapped for strength the last few days without you there to support me."

His eyes met hers, seeing the truth in them, and he took a deep, cleansing breath. "Beckett- Kate, I never consciously meant to hurt you, but subconsciously, I think that may have been my goal in dating someone else."

She nodded, "I understand, I just- I don't think I can stand you pulling away anymore," It was her turn to shake her head, though she shook hers at herself. "It hurts," she added softly.

"And you think I could?" He sighed, "For the months after your shooting when I waited by the phone, hoping every time it rung that it would be you, begging me to come see you?" His eyes skirted around, trying valiantly not to meet hers, to see his own pain mirrored in her eyes. "I understand that you're in pain now, but Kate, you didn't see what that did to me," he confessed.

"I know that I've made mistakes, Rick, but I want to try to apologize and start over, please? I want to tell you how I feel, and know that you feel the same way," he met her eyes briefly, seeing the sincerity in them, but unable to fully accept what she proposed.

"Kate, I don't know if I can take that right now. You lied to me for the better part of a year," he paused, sounding deflated, "I need some time."

"Please, please don't walk away," she begged, "I know that's exactly what I said to you, but please don't ask for time and walk away."

"I'm not saying that's what I plan on doing, but Kate, when I heard you tell that kid in interrogation that you remembered _every second_ of your shooting, it was like I was taking a bullet to the chest myself," he sighed, blinking slowly. "All I could think is that you were embarrassed and didn't feel the same way, but couldn't just let me down easy," he took a breath, but before he could continue, she cut him off.

"No- Rick, I just couldn't find the words for how I felt, especially in that environment, in that state of complete vulnerability. I pushed _everyone_ away then," she looked up at him, swallowing thickly. "I know now! I know how I feel about you, about- about us," she waved her hands between the two of them, only then realizing that she still held her gun.

He noticed at the same moment, "Kate- why do you have your gun out?"

"I-" she swallowed, "I wasn't having the best day," she admitted, her eyes falling to her feet.

"Kate!" He gasped, "Would you really resort to that?" His eyes began to swim with tears of his own at this realization, "You would take yourself from everyone that loves you so permanently?"

"No!" she exclaimed, "No, I just- I wasn't - " she took a deep, cleansing breath, her eyes still glued to the floor, and elected to tell him the truth, "I decided to talk to you before I made that kind of decision."

"Talk to me?" he pondered.

"I needed to know why, and now I do," her gaze lifted back to his, "and I hope that I- that _we_ can get past this… together."

"Kate, please tell me that you wouldn't have taken yourself away from me like that," he breathed softly.

"Castle, Rick-" she swallowed back the lump in her throat, "I'm not going to lie, I was thinking about it, I've- I have been working so _damn _hard to fix myself, to be the kind of person that deserves your love, the kind of person that can reciprocate wholeheartedly," her eyes burned into his, "but every time you have just walked out the last few days- it's been like a stab to the chest, the pain nearly as searing as the bullet that almost stole my life in the first place." She waved her gun towards her chest to emphasize her point.

"I wish you would have come to me, told me," he whispered, his hand reaching out to the one she held her gun in, holding it tightly in his own.

"I was about to come and talk to you when you showed up," she looked up at him, conveying her truthfulness in her eyes. It struck her then, "why _are _you here, anyway?"

"Can we-" he motioned towards her couch, she looked like she was about to fall over. She nodded, and let him lead her to the couch, sitting down in the middle, not wanting to put space between them. "And how about, we set this down?" he indicated to the gun in her hand, which was still loosely grasped in his own.

Her eyes darted to the gun, and then up to his, "I'm sorry," she began, dropping the gun onto the coffee table with a clunk that rang of finality.

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**Thoughts?**

**(At reply me on Twitter for special loving! msmorg)**


	2. Deep-Seated

**AN: Sorry it took me so long, I was not in the best place to be writing for a while there. Chapter 3 is done though, so I can have that up much sooner, I'll probably give it a week.**

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_Her eyes darted to the gun, and then up to his, "I'm sorry," she began, dropping the gun onto the coffee table with a clunk that rang of finality._

* * *

"I'm sorry too, Kate," he sighed, settling against the back of the couch, facing her, one leg tucked under the other, one arm holding his head up as he stared in her direction._ I almost lost her today, _he thought, his eyes darting back to the gun on the table momentarily. "I shouldn't have just walked out, but I thought you didn't feel the same way, and I was – I guess I was embarrassed that I continued to follow you around, at your beck and call, and you just didn't care." He swallowed back some of the emotion in his voice, and attempted to continue, "Or at least it didn't seem like you cared, not about me, at least."

"I'm so sorry, Castle," She closed her eyes on the tears swimming in them, causing them to spill over and slip down her cheeks. "I wish – I wish so many things had happened differently."

"Kate," he reached out with his free left hand, cupping her face and brushing the tears away with the pad of his thumb, waiting for her to reopen her eyes. "If we were to look back a year from today, together," he clarified, "do you think it would matter how we began, so long as we ended up together?"

"You're the writer, Castle," she huffed, "you should know by now that the ending doesn't matter without the story leading up to it."

"The reverse is also true, Kate." He looked at her with solemn eyes, rubbing her cheek softly with his thumb again, "The story doesn't matter at all if the ending isn't right."

She swallowed, knowing that it could have ended in quite another way, "So where does that leave us?"

"It leaves us putting in the work." He smiled hopefully at her.

"So, at this point are we still writing the story, or are we just watching the ink dry?" She needed to know if they could still be more.

"Like I said, we're putting in the work. We both are contributing to this masterpiece, and I think, or at least _hope_, we are both looking forward to the outcome." He raised an eyebrow at her in question.

She nodded slowly, closing her eyes and leaning her head further into his hand.

They sat in silence for a few minutes before Kate finally opened her eyes again and looked at him carefully. She eventually realized that she still didn't know why he was here in the first place.

"So, you never said," she began, "why are you here?"

"I wanted to confront you about lying to me," he sighed, "and if that didn't work, I was going to tell you that I was done," He told her, his eyes falling from hers as the truth behind his visit came out.

"Done?" She breathed.

"I couldn't stick around and follow you forever like some lovesick puppy, Beckett," he explained. "Whenever I looked at you, the last couple of weeks, all I saw was you asking me to leave. I figured it was time to go." He shook his head, unable to explain just how much it hurt to have been lied to so fully.

"So, you would have just left?" she whispered, drawing back from him slightly.

"Don't tell me that that's any more severe than what you were thinking," he said, pain seeping into his tone, his eyes betraying him and sliding to the gun on the table.

"You're right," she sighed, "but it's still a bit of a shock to see just how close I came to losing my chance."

"Funny, after everything we've been through together, me being 'done' would have been the final straw for you?" He almost sounded bitter. He needed to rein himself in, bitterness wasn't going to help any.

"It would have been one more thing in my life that I couldn't control," she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "and I guess I would have done the last thing that I knew I could."

"Kate, that's not something you can control, that's – that's your life." In his mind he was screaming that it was his life too, but he didn't voice it yet.

"And it would have been mine to throw away," she ground out stubbornly.

"Would you have?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"I don't _know_, Castle," she withered with the thought, "I don't ever want to find out."

"I don't either, it's- it's a scary thought." He swallowed thickly, "walking away would have been hard, but at least I would have known that you were alive… this-" he motioned toward the table, "this would have been a knockout blow to me. I don't know if _I_ would have survived it any more than you would have."

"So- if the timing had been a little bit worse, everything could have fallen apart," she murmured, more to herself than anything.

"Things fall apart, Kate, it's our job to put them back together- together." He met her eyes gently, a small smile appearing on his face.

"Together?" she mimicked.

"Yes, it's like epoxy- one part Kate, one part Rick, mix it together, let it cure…" he paused, meeting her eyes slowly, "and it'll be the strongest glue you can imagine, perfect for repairing anything from broken hearts to shattered dreams." Her eyes sparkled at his imagery. He had the best metaphors, and they always seemed to be reserved exclusively for her.

"When you put it that way, it's hard to remember why I was sad in the first place." She gave him a small smile before dropping her eyes back to her hands in her lap.

He shook his head with a sad twitch to his lips, and reached out to take one of her hands. "Kate, it's not a switch, give it time, you can't just flip the sadness off- or at least not that way." He teased lightly, despite himself.

"Oh?" She questioned, eyes lighting up at his joke. "And who, pray-tell, should I flip off?"

"Um…"He floundered for a moment, "Jacinda?"

"As much as I would love to flip her the bird," she smirked, before sobering. "I'd rather just forget about her altogether."

"As would I, but truthfully, there's not much to forget, thankfully." He sighed, thankful that despite seeing the woman several times, he never took it beyond a nice meal and a polite conversation.

"Thankfully? What, were you drunk the whole time and can't remember?" she asked, plenty of venom in her voice.

"No," he shook his head emphatically, "I meant she isn't very memorable, and all we did was go on a few dates and talk a bit."

"Really? The illustrious Richard Castle didn't even make it past first base?" she challenged icily.

"Ouch. I thought you knew me better than that," he said, withdrawing his hand from hers.

"I'm- I do." She hung her head, "I guess I was – I _am_ – jealous."

"Why do you think I didn't do anything else with her, Kate?" he asked sincerely, waiting for her to meet his eyes before he continued, "I couldn't just jump ship on you like that. Yeah, maybe I wanted you to actually _notice_ me again, but that doesn't mean I reverted back to the way I was years ago. I like to think that I've matured since I started following you around."

"You have. I should have known better than to assume that of you." She peeked up at him, hoping he would forgive her jealous fit.

"Kate, if we do this, if we get together, I need you to know that there is no one else for me, there never will be."

She sat there in stunned silence for a little while, unable to fathom it, even if she had been hoping for it for a long time.

"Kate?" he asked eventually, unable to contain himself.

She nodded, still unable to form any words.

"Do you…" he paused, taking a deep breath before plowing on, "do you feel the same way?"

Suddenly, like the first ray of sunshine after a storm, the answer was illuminated. Before her sat the man of her dreams, her fantasies, the man she loved more than anything, and she needed to tell him.

"Castle, I told you once, a long, long time ago…" her eyes glazed over slightly, remembering back, "I told you that when I decide to settle down, there will only be one person for me, and I'll be done. You're it for me, Rick." He smiled broadly at this, and tugged her into his chest, embracing her as fiercely as he could. After the initial surprise , she squirmed her arms free and wound them around his back, nuzzling her face into his chest. She had always wanted to do that, and now she was going to make the most of the opportunity.

"Hmmm…" He hummed planting his face in her hair and inhaling deeply. "You really do smell like cherries, you know."

"It's my shampoo, Castle." She rolled her eyes, he was so random at times.

"Can I buy you a lifetime supply?" he murmured into her hair, nudging his nose down toward her ear. "Because whatever it is, the way you smell is my favorite scent in the world; and that includes pancakes _and _bacon."

"So… are you saying I smell like something you could eat?" she smirked against his chest.

"Mmm, you have no idea," he whispered against her ear. She trembled slightly in his arms, and shifted her position to straddle him on the couch.

"I thought that was my line?" she joked lightly.

"You were taking too long to say it." He pulled back, a twinkle in his eye, and kissed the tip of her nose, even as she scrunched it.

"You're so cheesy!" she whined, dropping her forehead to his shoulder.

"Only when you need it, Kate." His eyes shone with sincerity when she brought her gaze back to his. "I'll be anything you need, any time you need it," he vowed.

"And you're also undeniably sweet," she breathed, her eyes dropping to his lips, and then flashing back up to his. "I don't know if I deserve you after- after everything."

"You deserve the world, Kate, and I want to give it to you, if you'll let me," he susurrated, hoping she would.

"I don't want to fight it anymore. I want to give all of myself to you, and I want you to give it all to me, and I- really, I just want you, anything and everything else is a bonus."

"I don't think I could have put it better myself." He kissed her forehead, relishing in the fact that he _could._

"There's so much that we still have to talk about, Castle, and I'm worried…" she trailed off.

"Shhhh, shhhh. Rest now, there's more to come. The pushing may be hard, but it'll all work out in the end," he murmured into her hair, pressing another gentle kiss to the top of her head.

He eased them back on the couch, kicking his feet up on the far arm and resting his head on her Union Jack pillow. She nuzzled her head into his chest, burrowing her nose in the gap in his shirt and inhaling deeply. They both calmed, their breaths evening out slowly, until they each fell into a much needed slumber.

_**Thoughts?**_


	3. Thrust Forward

**AN: So... this chapter is rated M for things and stuff... don't read it if you don't like... that. That being said, um... this is the first time I've written something like this in a long time... so... yeah. Enjoy? **

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She was jostled awake by his squirming, and as she rose to consciousness, she began to hear his murmurings as well.

"No, Kate, no!" he breathed, "Stay with me!"

"Castle," she said softly, gently running her fingers over his jaw.

"No!" He sobbed in his sleep, crushing her to his chest, "No, no, no, no, no."

"I'm here, Castle," she tried, a little louder this time.

"Don't leave me," he whispered, his voice cracking.

"I won't leave you, Castle. I'm sorry." Tears started to stream down her face, hearing the pain in his voice.

"Wake up! Please wake up!" he cried suddenly, shaking her in his grasp.

"Castle, _you_ wake up!" she said, raising her voice and shaking him right back, to no avail.

"I can't lose you."

"I'm right here! You won't lose me if you'd just wake up, Rick!" and with that, she pinched his side as hard as she could.

"OUCH!" he yelled, bolting upright, his eyes bursting open. She could see them swimming with tears, just as her own were, her head nestled against his chest.

"Kate," he panted, loosening his death grip on her slightly. "Sorry." He took several steadying breaths to calm his raging heart, before he finally sank back down onto the mattress, drawing her with him.

"What happened?" She rasped against him.

"Nothing, it was just a nightmare," he blew out on a long breath.

"I gathered that, Rick," she rolled her eyes, not that he could see, he was staring at the ceiling. "What happened in the nightmare?" she pressed.

"I got here too late, you had already…" he trailed off, unable to continue.

"I told you, I was past that point, Rick, I was on my way to come talk to you when you showed up." She looked up at him, hoping to catch his gaze. She wasn't disappointed. His eyes were a piercing blue, highlighted by the moonbeams glancing across her living room.

"I know, I know…" he sighed, "My subconscious is just a little overactive sometimes, you should know that by now." He pulled her tighter into his embrace again.

"I do, but I think I prefer it when your subconscious is thinking about conspiracy theories and aliens, or even in innuendo, rather than… _that_," she admitted, piling her head on top of her hands on his chest.

"Innuendo, hmm?" He murmured, his eyes igniting instantaneously, "I think I would rather be conscious for that…"

"So would I, I don't know how well you would have fared with sleep humping me awake," she smirked up at him, her eyes light again.

"So… is waking humping allowed, or…?" he waggled his eyebrows at her, the final traces of his dream fading from the depths of his eyes.

"Oh God, no. No, you cannot call it humping," she decreed, burying her face in her hands.

"But _you_ called it humping!" he whined.

"Well, it would have been!" she burrowed her face into his chest, trying harder to contain her mirth.

"You're right," he said, suddenly sounding much more serious, "if I had been dreaming of something else, that's probably exactly what would have happened."

"And what exactly would you have been dreaming of for that to have happened?" She egged him on, hoping that their banter would coalesce into something more for once.

"You." She eyed him, prompting him to continue, "You, and me, and nothing between us."

"Hmmm, I would say 'In your dreams' … but that's kind of the point, isn't it?" she teased.

"Would you care to make my dreams a reality?" He waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Oh, I think I could make that happen…" she trailed off, pushing herself up off the couch, "but I think that my bed would be a much better place for such activities."

"Oh, I don't know about that, Detective, I've had plenty of dreams that didn't take place remotely _near_ a bed." He arched an eyebrow up at her.

"Oh, Writer-Boy, don't even get me started. We'll work on those later. Let's start it off right," she grinned down at him.

"I will prove to you that there is nothing _boyish_ about me in about fifteen seconds," he growled at her, a wolfish grin appearing on his face.

"See, that sounds the exact opposite. Only fifteen seconds, Castle?" She smirked knowingly at him.

"That was a countdown for the amount of time you had before I hauled you into the bedroom myself. Three… Two… One…" he lurched to his feet, swinging her over his shoulder as he went.

"Castle! Put me down!" she laughed, which was a surprise. He had expected her to hit him.

*SMACK*

Oh, there was the hit he was expecting, but… the location was decidedly different. She swatted at his ass again as he walked through the door of her bedroom. It took him a moment, but he retaliated in kind, tapping her ass lightly with his free hand, but instead of letting it fall away, he left it there, rubbing it over the curve of her bottom. He stopped at the foot of her bed, swinging her down from his shoulder and plopping her in the middle of the bed.

He hovered over her for a moment, just staring at her flushed face, taking in her hazel eyes, and plump lips, and that's as far as he got, because she pulled him down on top of her, her mouth connecting with his roughly. He groaned into her mouth, finally, finally being able to feel her lips on his again after so long. Their kiss was languid and long, neither was in a hurry to get to their destination now that they both knew the other was on board with this.

Eventually they broke apart for air, and just kind of stared at each other, taking it all in.

"I love you," he whispered to her.

"I-" she swallowed back the emotion in her voice, "I love you, too."

His heart skipped a beat at that, and he vowed never to forget that moment. He bowed his head, kissing his way down her neck until he reached the V of her shirt. Quickly, he unfastened the buttons and helped her shrug out of the damn thing. After sucking on her collar bone for a few moments, he continued on his path downward until he reached his goal, her scar. He kissed it softly, once, twice, three times, before he met her eyes again. "And now, I'm going to _make_ love to you," he smirked, tracing the edge of her bra with his tongue, before reaching around to unclasp her bra with one hand. He nudged the straps down either arm with his nose, finally brushing it away with a flick of his wrist. She shivered as his breath ran across her ribcage, raising goose bumps in its wake. Nipping his way across her torso, back up to her pert breasts, he lathed each one languorously, paying them both ample attention, before moving his mouth back up toward hers, and replacing his mouth with his hands on her breasts, massaging them and tweaking her nipples every so often. He kissed his way back up the column of her neck, his tongue twirling over the skin, tasting her, as he went. After one particularly vicious pinch of her right nipple, a groan slipped past her lips, and he was unable to stop himself from attempting to capture the sound.

His tongue demanded entrance into her mouth, and she gave it on a sigh, meeting it with her own. The battle commenced, the twirling and chasing, stroking and tasting - they were evenly matched. When they broke again for air, her mouth attached itself below his left ear, nipping and sucking at the skin there, marking him, though he didn't notice at the time. He was too busy watching his fingers trail down over her taut abs, the muscles trembling beneath his touch. She sucked in a sharp breath when his fingers dipped beneath the waistband of her jeans, teasing ever-so-slightly, but she regained her composure quickly. She wrapped a leg around his back and flipped them so he lay beneath her, his eyes glazed over slightly, obviously in awe of her.

"My turn," she grinned down at him, her fingers sliding down his chest and torso and back up again, slowly letting the buttons of his shirt slide free of their eyelets. She tugged the tails of his shirt from his pants gently, and let her fingers trail up his flat stomach and over his broad chest. Grabbing onto his collar, she pulled him up slightly so she could push the shirt down over his shoulders and arms while he attempted to shrug out of it. She sat there, astride his hips, reveling for a few moments - just taking in the view, the flat expanse of his abdomen. He was not as toned as he once was, she noted, but then again maybe that was because he hadn't had any _workout_ partners for a while. She smirked at that, knowing that _that _was about to change.

"What's that smirk for?" He asked softly, not wanting to break the mood.

"I was just picturing all of the different ways we are going to have sex in the future," she said, leaning down and placing a kiss right on his sternum, then trailing her tongue down, down, down, around his belly button, and finally placing another lazy kiss right above his waistband.

"Mmmm, Kate," he groaned, "as much as I love the foreplay, I don't know if I'll be able to stand much more of it our first time." She looked up at him, his head was thrown back, but his eyes somehow found hers, and she nodded.

Whipping his belt from its loops, and popping the button on his pants took her a matter of seconds. She took a little bit longer pulling down the zipper, tooth by tooth - until he knocked her hands away, and kicked his way out of his pants. Clad in only his boxers now, he raised an eyebrow at her before she conceded, and they switched positions again. He swiftly yanked her skin-tight jeans off her body with a few well-placed tugs, her panties coming off right with them - he was in no-nonsense mode now.

"Protection?" He asked at her ear, his fingers traveling up her legs, bending them at the knees, and trailing up her thighs to dip into the valley between her legs. They danced at her apex for several long moments before his question registered to her.

"Shit," she breathed, becoming less and less coherent, "Uh- um… bathroom? Under the sink?" She let out, like she wasn't actually sure, and she wasn't. It had been a while, she just hoped that whatever she did have wasn't expired - or worse, flavored - that's not what they needed for their first time together.

"Alright, you stay put," he said, trailing his fingers through her wetness again, and she shook slightly at the intrusion. Padding silently to the bathroom clad in his boxers, he checked underneath the sink, spotting a black box hidden behind about ten different bottles of hair product. He shook his head at the box, _MAGNUM, _it declared. He flipped the box over, and found that it had never been opened, though it was well within its expiration date, and chuckled to himself. The last poor sap must have seen the box and hidden it under the sink in favor for a properly fitting size, not that _he_ would have any problems when it came to size. He switched the light off, and paused for a moment, flipping it back on and grabbing a washcloth from the cupboard. He wet it in the sink and wrung it out - he might as well be prepared. With that, he made his way into the bedroom once again, opening the box and pulling one of the foil packets out. Stopping at the doorframe, he leaned against it to admire her nude form, propped up on the bed with some pillows.

"You coming, Castle?" she taunted from her spot in the center of the bed, which she had taken the time to turn down for their activities while he was gone.

"I certainly plan to…" he waggled his eyebrows at her, and she rolled her eyes playfully, "but you first," he promised.

He tossed the box and washcloth onto her nightstand, tugged off his boxers, and crawled up between her legs headfirst. He nudged her knees apart, draping them over his shoulders as he kissed his way up one thigh and then the other, his day-old stubble scratching slightly at the sensitive flesh, only enhancing the feeling. Finally, finally he reached his destination. His tongue slowly ran the length of her, teasing, tasting, testing, before bringing one hand around to join his mouth in the festivities. From her vantage point on the pillows, she could see everything he was doing to her, and it was hot. She panted softly as he traced over her clit with his tongue slowly, one finger finally sliding home within her and pumping slowly. Her breath hitched slightly, but evened out soon enough, just to pick back up again as it was joined by a second and then a third digit. His rhythm was steady, constant, like the roll of the tide on the ocean, or a constant melody of sixteenth notes. His tongue played a perfect countermelody, thirty-second notes bounding up and down the staff, trilling and swirling around, creating a truly beautiful sonata just for her. Suddenly his actions escalated, a long, drawn-out crescendo, and what she thought had been forte turned out to be pianissimo in comparison to his actions now, as he brought her higher and higher. He conducted the closing measures of her orgasm swiftly, ending on quite possibly the best fermata ever scored. Just when she thought she couldn't take anymore, he sucked her clit into his mouth and bit down, as sharp staccato to end the piece, with just the right amount of pressure. She cried out in surprise, her back arching, and her muscles contracting around his fingers, even as he steered her through her climax and safely back to the silence of the bedroom.

She lay there, feeling boneless and slightly out of breath for several long moments. He gently pulled his fingers from her, pulling them into his mouth one by one to clean them off. He leaned up and over her again, kissing her forehead, the tip of her nose, and finally, once her eyes fluttered open, her mouth. The passion between them was like a gas burner - the pilot light was always on, they just needed to add a little fuel, and it took off at a steady beat, heating up both of them along with anything and everything around them. Their kiss was unhurried, and though the battle waged on, neither side truly wanted to win.

Finally, he settled between her hips, the condom tugged on, snug around his base, that little pocket at the tip. He couldn't help but roll his eyes as his mind went back to the first time he had used a condom, the first time he had ever had sex, and he compared it to some 1960's era spaceship toy, with its antenna on the top. He shook the thought out of his head, aligning himself with her entrance, and looking back up at her for confirmation. She pushed her hips up and into his slightly, urging him on. He pushed into her slowly, feeling her muscles stretch taut, even after the warm-up session. He felt the ridges of her gliding against him, even through the latex of the condom. Eventually, he felt her muscles begin to relax again, only clenching when he failed to move, even after she had adjusted. He gritted his teeth, his eyes slamming shut, as he worked to hold it together.

"Just- wait," he panted, grabbing hold of her hips securely, "or this will be over rather quickly."

"Yeah? Well, you already got me there, so why shouldn't I return the favor?" She hummed, rotating her hips slowly in his hands.

"Not very gentlemanly to finish first, even if you did get there already. The points scored in the semifinal don't count in the championship game, Beckett," he grunted, finally getting a lid on his desire.

"God, you are so full of metaphors, it's so fucking hot," she panted, grabbing him by the hair and pulling him in for a searing kiss.

He rocked slowly into her then, pulling out nearly all of the way, and pushing right back in. She moaned at the sensation of going empty and being filled right back up. Their lips slipped apart, and her head fell back into the pillows with a dull _thump._ She was beyond talking now, they were both a bit beyond talking, their breathing ragged and stunted, catching when either moved just so. After one such of these movements, he let his right hand fall from her hip, working it between their bodies until he found her clit, and started rubbing circles around it. Her hips shot up into his suddenly, and he almost thought she had shattered again, but for the lack of clenching going on inside her.

"Castle!" Her breath hitched as he circled her clit again, "So close!" She panted, "So- unghhh-" she groaned. He had pinched her clit between his thumb and forefinger, but to no avail.

He grunted, dropping his head to her chest, pressing open mouthed kisses to the skin above her breast, biting gently and soothing it with his tongue. He looked up at her, pulling a nipple into his mouth and tugging on it with his teeth just as he drove his hips into her sharply and pinched her clit again, harder this time. She cried out, her back arching, a long low moan coming out of her even as he body clamped down on his, triggering his own release, and milking him thoroughly. His own sounds were muffled by the mouthful of breast he had, but it was still the hottest sound she had ever heard come out of him, and she filed it away for future contemplation.

He collapsed briefly on top of her before pulling his arms out from in between them and propping himself up on his elbows to stare down at her. Her eyes had fluttered closed with her orgasm, and she was having a tough time reopening them, so she settled for speaking softly instead. "God, Rick, why didn't we do that sooner?" she breathed out into the charged air between them.

"Mmm, I have no idea," he murmured, his lips coming down to hers in a leisurely kiss. "You're right, you called that from the very beginning, Kate. I had no idea then, and I have no idea now," he mumbled again against her cheek, nuzzling it gently.

"I can't say I'm much better off there," she let out a little laugh, effectively clenching around him again.

"Ugh, wait, I gotta- you know…" he trailed off, leaning up and off of her, easing out slowly. He tugged off the condom gently, tying the end of it and tossing it in the trash by her nightstand, and grabbed the damp washcloth. "Let's clean up a little bit, and get back to sleep, it's nearly five in the morning." He gently scrubbed the cloth over her more sensitive areas, and then quickly over his own, before discarding the towel, and pulling the blankets up over them.

"What?" He asked as her eyes settled over him, looking at him as if awed.

"That was just-" she blinked back sudden tears, "really tender, I wasn't expecting it."

"Well, now you know what to expect," he grinned, pressing a sweet kiss to her lips before tugging her into his chest again.

They both fell into a peaceful, dreamless sleep.

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_***Runs and hides***_


	4. Just A Taste

**AN: So... you all seemed to like chapter three...*cue blush* Um... yeah... So I'll be updating every Tuesday for the next month or so, I have the whole thing outlined, and it's got quite a bit left. Enjoy!**

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She woke first, wrapped up tightly in his arms, her face buried in his chest. She inhaled deeply, taking in his scent, the scent of them combined. _God. We smell like sex, _she thought with a smirk. Another deep breath and the fine hair sprinkling his chest began to rise, the arms encircling her tightening perceptibly. A groan found its way out of his throat, but he didn't waken. Well, he may not have wakened himself, but he definitely awakened something in her. She shivered at the sound, a rolling wave heat racing down her spine and shooting straight to her core. Suddenly all she wanted to do was taste him… so she did. She opened her eyes, tilting her head up to check that he was still sleeping soundly. He was, but not for long.

She darted her tongue out past her lips, tasting the skin of his chest. It was like he bathed in pure vanilla extract, because that's what he tasted like, with just a hint of saltiness from their activities the earlier in the morning. He didn't stir this time, just continued his even breaths, which couldn't have pleased her more. She wriggled loose of his grasp gently, and threw her leg over his waist, straddling his legs. She slithered down, her tongue never leaving contact with his skin. She circled a nipple with the very tip of her tongue before ducking her head down further and using the flat of her tongue to trace a line to his belly button. She dipped her tongue into the depression, withdrawing it just as quickly, and repeating the process, effectively fucking it with her tongue.

He groaned again, one arm flopping out the side in search of her. … but that's not where she was, she was lower, much lower. She tripped her tongue along the contour lines of his abdominal muscles as they tensed, teasing her way lower and lower. When his hands came up empty, he grunted and lifted his head, his hazy eyes opening slowly, not finding hers for several moments as he looked around.

"Kate?" he questioned, not fully comprehending the situation.

She withdrew her tongue for but a moment to respond, "Castle, be quiet and let me enjoy this."

She paused as it occurred to her then, that maybe they _should _talk about last night before anything else happened between them. Maybe her blowing him wasn't the best way to start that conversation. She shook the thoughts off, gently kissing his navel, she wanted to return the favor for last night.

"Kate?" He asked softly, his fingers finding their way under her chin to direct her eyes up at him.

"It's nothing," she shrugged off his hand, returning her mouth to his skin.

He swallowed hard as she resumed her tongue's journey. Skirting along the v of his hips, she tasted more and more salt on his skin as she descended. Avoiding the place that they both yearned for her to reach the most, she withdrew her mouth from him. She gazed up at him, taking in his ruffled hair and the glazed look to his eyes, and something more, _worry_. He looked like pure sex, he tasted like pure sex, and that's exactly what she wanted to do… _again_, she thought, but he was _worried_, about what? She ducked her head, blushing slightly, not sure which was worse, the fact that she was so _horny_, even after the incredible sex last night, or that he seemed to be having second thoughts.

"Kate, stop, we need to talk about this," he paused, motioning to her, "whatever that was, I need to know…"

"Castle- I'm…" She backed up off the bed, taking the comforter with her. "I'm sorry. I- I thought-"

"Sorry?" he repeated slowly in question, "For what?" He implored, his brain still shaking off the final cobwebs of sleep.

"Just- sorry. I – didn't mean to wake you, I shouldn't have um- _roused_ you quite like that," she stammered, looking at the floor, not her usual, confident self that she had been moments before.

"Kate, look at me," he prompted, sitting up and pulling the remaining flat sheet over himself, this conversation seeming to mandate a modicum of modesty.

She glanced up past him, not meeting his eye.

"No, Kate, look _at me_," he said more forcefully, but still gentle as a feather, which the situation seemed to summon from him. "It's morning, that happens when I wake up anyway. Besides, I was bound to be aroused by your presence at some point, so don't feel guilty. Geez, I'm almost always aroused by your presence, why do you think I've been wearing jeans to the precinct more often?" He joked, giving an exaggerated wink, in an attempt to lighten the mood.

She met his eyes slowly, obviously afraid of what she might find there, but his words were working.

His eyes shone with nothing but sincerity and love as he said, "Kate, you can wake me day or night, for any reason, big or small, be it a nightmare, a fantasy, a body drop, or," he paused, thinking, "you want me to make pancakes!" He smiled warmly at her before dropping a pun on her head, "I'm at your _Beckett-call_!" He raised his eyebrows, trying to convey that she should laugh at his little pun, and she did, she let out one puff of laughter before she hurdled herself back onto the bed and into his arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm such a wreck!" she cried into the crook of his neck as she wrapped her arms around him, and he cradled her to him.

"Shhh, Kate, you're not a wreck, we're just- obviously neither of us has done this in a long time, and it's going to take some getting used to. We need to learn each other's habits, and work with them, which shouldn't be too hard, considering the fact that I watch every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break, every step you take…"

"Really, Castle?" She shook her head, her fears forgotten.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Are you going to start singing to me?" She pulled back, looking at the expression on his face.

He cracked a grin. "If it gets you to calm down and see my point, then yes, that is exactly what I will do," he murmured, kissing her forehead.

"Well, it's helping, but only because it's ironic," she smiled, pressing her head back down against his neck.

"Oh? How so?" he questioned, intrigued.

"It's by The Police, about a stalker" she chuckled, "You're a stalker, and I'm the police."

His smile lit up the room, even if she couldn't see it. "Oh, can't you see? You belong to me!" he sang softly, nuzzling his nose into the hair just above her ear. He kissed the spot tenderly, and whispered, "It's so hot when you understand how to properly use literary devices."

She shook with silent laughter. "I think it's pretty hot when you use literary devices too, Castle."

"Aha!" he exclaimed, "I _knew_ you liked my books!"

"I don't _like_ your books, Castle," she said, feigning exasperation.

"Oh," he let out, sounding defeated almost at once.

"I _love _your books," she breathed, pulling back to look into his face once again, "and I love you."

He beamed at her, and pulled her in for a luxuriously languid and loving kiss.

When they finally pulled apart he smirked and asked, "So… did you want to finish that little wake-up call or…" he trailed off at the look on her face, which was not promising, "or… did you want me to make you my famous pancakes?" He smiled brightly, not wanting to push her.

"Pancakes sound incredible," she said, her eyes slipping closed and her mouth going slightly slack.

"Great!" he exclaimed, rolling over her and planting a kiss on the tip of her nose. "I'll go do that… and you do… whatever it is you do in the morning," he pressed another soft kiss to her lips and tossed himself off the bed with gusto.

Kate just lay there ogling him for a few moments as he moved around her room stark naked. He gathered his boxers in one hand, and pried his phone from his pants pocket, checking it for messages.

He had one from Alexis, _We still on for that library run today?  
_He tapped out a quick reply, _Sure thing, Pumpkin. I'll be home in an hour or two. _

When he looked up, he caught Kate staring at him, and smirked. His phone still in his hand, he swiped open the camera from the lock screen and snapped a picture of her nude, but tastefully covered , form. The click of the camera shocked her out of her daze in an instant.

"Castle!" She yelled, jumping up off the bed and pouncing on him. "You have to delete that! You can't have naked pictures of me on your phone!"

"Why not? It's not like anyone else can see them! I have a passcode!"

"Yeah, let's guess, what is it? Alexis' birthday?"

He looked down for a moment before he shook his head. "No, it's not... but that's not the point, the point is – I took the picture and I'm keeping it." He turned the phone around, "Look, you can't even see anything out of the ordinary."

"_Out of the ordinary_?" she questioned, her tone sharp, and her eyes becoming slits, "What, am I hiding tail or something?!"

"That's not what I meant, and you know it, but if you must know, your body is _not_ ordinary, it is extraordinary, and therefore, I am safe in my wording." He smiled smugly, before ruffling her hair. "Now, I'm going to go make those pancakes and stare at this beautiful picture while I stir the batter," and with that he turned on his heel and fled down the hall, still naked, his boxers flapping in his hand as he made his escape.

She just rolled her eyes and went about her business.

* * *

Castle managed to scrounge together a breakfast of pancakes, apple slices, and some bacon that he found in the freezer. As they ate, they talked about their plans for the day. It was 'their' day off, after all.

"So, did you want to go see a movie, or take a walk in the park, or I don't know, go to the bookstore?" Castle asked, unsure if she would want to spend the day with him.

"Actually, I have a doctor's appointment today, in a couple of hours," she noted, looking at the clock on the microwave. "But, um… maybe after that we can do something, um… anything you want." She really didn't want to shut him down, especially with how shaky things had been lately.

"Alright, is everything okay? Just a checkup?" He sought.

"Oh, um… actually, it's not that kind of doctor," she paused, gathering herself up, "he's a psychologist, the department one. I've been seeing him since the shooting, he's really been helping me figure things out, make sense of what happened then and what's been happening since." She met his eyes after a few moments, needlessly afraid of what she might see there.

He smiled at her, grabbing her hand from his adjacent position at the counter. "Kate, that's great, I didn't know, but I'm glad you had someone to talk to." He squeezed her hand gently, "but you know that you can talk to _me_ too, right?"

She nodded and felt a few tears sting at the back of her eyes. What had she done when she pushed him away so hard last year? He was so obviously willing to dive into things with her, and she just gave him one big shove out of her life for the entire summer. No wonder he –

"Kate, I can hear you thinking," he joked, letting go of her hand to cup her face. "I'm here _now_, okay? Forget about both of our past failures, and live in the moment."

She leaned into his hand and turned her head slightly to kiss the inside of his wrist.

"I wish it were that easy for me, but it's not," she admitted.

"Yeah, it isn't easy for me either, but if you just keep on trucking, eventually, with one final hard push you'll get through whatever roadblocks you have standing in your way," he spouted his ever-flowing wisdom to her. Where he got it from, she would never know.

"Yeah," she sighed, her mind floating off to places unknown. He just grinned at her, knowing the effect he was having.

"So… what are you going to talk to this doctor about today, hmmm? Are last night's activities fair game?" He attempted some levity.

"Oh, yeah, I'm _definitely_ going to tell Doctor Burke about our hot sex in the wee hours of the morning," she drawled, rolling her eyes.

"Hey, I actually would like to know if that's a topic we're allowed to talk about… like, am I allowed to tell Alexis that things have…_ progressed_ between us?" He asked seriously.

"Oh," she breathed softly, not having thought of that, "I- I suppose… Yeah, I mean, you shouldn't keep it from Alexis, she has a right to know… though, you know, you might leave out a few details, wouldn't want to scar the kid," she let out in a rush.

"Well, yeah, I didn't plan on going into detail," he chuckled. "I thought I'd just burst into the loft singing some ridiculously happy song and she would just _know_." He grinned like a fool.

"Yeah, that would probably do the trick," she laughed, shaking her head at the mental image.

"Anyway, I should get going. I have to pick her up soon, it's our library date day," he explained.

"Aw, cute! I almost wish I could tag along to watch you get lost in the books," she said dreamily.

"You're welcome to join me at the library anytime," he said sincerely.

"Yeah, I'm not so sure… the last time I caught you in the library, I had you arrested," she smirked at him, her eyes twinkling with mischief.

"That's true… maybe we'll save that for a later date," he pondered thoughtfully.

"Sure, we'll table that one for later, but think up something fun for us to do today while you're out," she said, a light in her eyes.

"I'll do that," he vowed. "Now, you finish up out here, and I'll go get dressed and leave you to your routine," he smiled and leaned in to give her a kiss on the forehead. "You don't need me hovering while you get dressed and everything."

"Wow, I thought that would be on the top of your list of things to do!" She teased.

"No, no… I would much rather watch you get undressed," he announced cheekily, slipping off the stool and strolling back to her bedroom to put his clothes back on.

He emerged several minutes later to find her still sitting there, staring off into space.

"Hmmm, let me guess… you're imagining all of the wonderful things I could do to you with my tongue," he murmured in her ear, effectively scaring the bejesus out of her.

"Ah!" she shrieked as she flailed and toppled off the stool.

"Wow, nice startle reflex, Beckett," he badgered, righting her.

"Yeah, yeah," she huffed, shaking him off, "you shouldn't sneak up on me, what if I had been armed?"

"I'm pretty sure if you had been armed, you still would have fallen off the stool," he laughed.

"You know what? I think it's time you go… I have to shower and get dressed," she pursed.

"Alright, but call me when you're done with your appointment," he nodded, heading towards the door with her on his heels. "I'll pick you up and we can do something fun," he promised, leaning down to kiss her goodbye briefly.

Brief was the last thing she wanted, so as he pulled back, she wrapped her arms around his neck, weaving her fingers through his hair roughly, and kissed him harder. He fell back against the door, the air whooshing from his lungs, and pulled her close. She teased the crease of his lips with her tongue until he finally relented and allowed her access. She groaned at the taste of syrup mixed with his own unique taste, she was instantly regretting not finishing her sampling of his flavors in bed earlier.

They stood there, making out like horny teenagers for several long minutes before they broke for breath.

"I should," he panted and indicated to the door with a nod of his head.

"Yeah," she breathed, stepping away from him slowly, "I'll call you later."

"Alright, love you," he said as he backed out into the hall.

A beat too late, "Love you too!" she called as he stepped onto the elevator.

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_**Thoughts?**_


	5. A Changed Mind

**AN: Hey, look it's another chapter... Sorry there isn't any Caskett in this one. Stick with it until the end though, there's some important stuff at the bottom... :P**

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She took her time getting ready for her appointment with Doctor Burke. She was equally excited and nervous for it. Sure, she had some really great news to share with the doctor, to get his opinion and feedback on, but she also knew that she had to tell him what she had almost done, and she was dreading that. So she dawdled, she took her time thoroughly dispersing first the shampoo, then the conditioner through her hair. Then meticulously shaving her legs and underarms, among other places. She let out a sigh of relief at the knowledge that at least she had done the same procedures when she wore that black dress, so things weren't out of control down there last night…

So she went about her morning routine, often catching herself daydreaming about their activities from the night before and this morning. She had some regrets about not finishing what she started this morning, but when she looked at the clock on her phone, and realized she only had half an hour until her appointment, she let those thoughts slide. She shrugged on one of her many leather jackets, slipped her cell and wallet into her purse, which she slung over her shoulder, and when she bent down, she felt the stretch and pull of the muscles in her lower back. _There's always tonight…_ She thought as she slipped on a pair of boots, heading out the door.

She reached Doctor Burke's office just in time. He arched an eyebrow at her from the door to his office when she panted slightly, as she had decided the stairs were faster than the elevator. She ducked her head briefly, and his probing eyes followed her as she made her way to her usual chair by the window.

"So, Kate, in a bit of a hurry today?" He asked, settling into his chair opposite her.

She blushed, "I just didn't want to be late," she let out in a rush.

"Right, and why is that?" He questioned easily.

"Um… because I'm fairly certain we're going to need the entire hour today," she laughed, shaking her head slightly. "There's a lot to talk about…" she trailed off.

"Well, where would you like to start?" He tried to keep his tone neutral, but his lips quirked ever-so-slightly. He wanted to let her feel that the information was hers to give up as she saw fit, but he knew that with enough prodding she would tell him everything anyway.

"I really don't know," she sighed and ran her fingers through her hair to push it back off of her face. "I think I should probably start with the fact that Castle was seeing another woman _very_ briefly, which happened to pretty much coincide with my decision to tell him how I felt," she caught herself, "how I _feel_ about him_._"

"Alright," he thought for a moment, "you said he _was_ seeing someone else, so I take it that is over now?" At her nod, he continued, "Did you tell him of your feelings?"

"Eventually…" She huffed, gathering herself, "but that didn't happen until after some pretty bad things almost happened, and it wouldn't have happened at all if those other things had happened, and then after, other things happened, and I'm just… happy… but at a loss for what to do next," she let out in one long breath.

"Okay," he drew out. She obviously hadn't thought of how to phrase any of that, so he made sure that he was clear in his responding question, "How about you tell me about some of these _happenings_, in as much or as little detail as you see fit, and we'll go from there?"

She drew one leg up under her, subconsciously diverting attention while she collected her thoughts. "This is- this- I don't know where it came from, and I know for a fact that I don't feel that way at all anymore, which makes it even more confusing…" she shook her head.

"Would you care to elaborate on what 'this' is?" He was fairly sure he had an idea, all that self-doubt, not hard to see where that would lead.

"Sorry," she looked up at him briefly, before toying with a piece of lint on her pant leg. "I went to a really dark place yesterday, and in the end, I decided not to go through with it without knowing where we both stood, but the fact that I was that close to- to… giving it all up…" she trailed off again, hoping he would put the pieces together.

He took a few moments to formulate a response. It may not have come as a surprise that she had been having those types of thoughts, but it was a bit of a disappointment that she hadn't given him a call. He shook his head to clear it and waited to catch her eye again before he spoke, "Kate, this isn't something you've ever expressed to me before, have you had feelings like these in the past?"

"Well, not in the time that I've been seeing you," she admitted, "I mean, the last time was – was after my mother was murdered, and my dad became an alcoholic… but I got over that a long time ago, I healed, and I have already gotten past this… and I think I'm pretty well healed from that too, I just- I figured I should tell you."

"It was right of you to have told me, yes." He nodded, and continued his questioning, "Can you tell me what changed your mind?" He was pretty sure of this answer as well.

"Castle," she breathed, "but that's obvious."

He nodded again, "Yes, I assumed that, but what else? Can you tell me specifically what set your mind down that path, or what brought you away from it?" He clarified after a few moments, "It's important to know, in case anything like that were to ever happen again. Did you sort things out on your own, or did Castle help you through it?"

"Well, Castle had been pulling away more and more the last couple of weeks, and I didn't know why. Then when I finally felt ready to tell him how I feel about him, thanks to Lanie's prodding, he showed up at a crime scene in his Ferrari with another woman," she grumbled. "Things were really weird and hectic this last week, and I thought I had soldiered on pretty well, I waited around for him like I always thought he was doing for me, and then he left with that other woman, seemingly without a second glance back at me."

"And that made you feel what? Envious? Betrayed?" He asked, trying to get a handle on her emotional state at the time.

"I guess betrayed works…" she trailed, "but I guess he was sort of in the right… He heard me when I was in an interrogation, I didn't even know he was in the observation room. He heard me tell the perp that you don't just forget a traumatic event, you remember everything, every detail. So, without him knowing my actual feelings, despite my attempts to hint at them, he was lead to believe that I didn't feel the same way. All that time we spent tip-toeing around each other after my shooting, I thought we were building towards something, and after hearing what I said, he looked back and viewed himself as some sort of sick puppy, following me around for scraps."

"I take it those are his words?" He intoned.

"Something like that, yeah." She nodded, placing her head in her hands lightly.

He took that to mean they had spoken, but he needed more information about her state of mind, "Let's back up though, you felt betrayed, what else?"

"I felt like it was all too late, and that since he was the only thing I was really living for, there was no point," she admitted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Is he all you're living for though? What about your mother's case? Your father's sobriety?" He worried briefly that she may have put too much stock in her relationship with her partner.

She pulled her arms tighter around herself as she thought of her answer. "I guess you're right, there's plenty more for me to live for, but at the time, I just thought that it was all going to be too much for me to shoulder alone."

"I assume you mean the case?" He questioned.

"That, and the day to day cases we deal with. He brings a lot of levity to a grief-filled career, I honestly don't know how I did it before he came around," she sighed.

"Obviously you did well enough on your own, you got your job done, made some good relationships along the way." He wanted her to realize that Castle didn't make her, so he couldn't break her.

"I know that I kept up appearances and such before Rick came around, but I wasn't nearly as happy, didn't let my hair down as much, you know? I think he made me a better version of myself."

"That may be true, but I want you to realize that you have a lot going for yourself. A lot of people look up to you and depend on you, and that is always something you can live for." He thought his outlook might sound kind of hokey, like something _Dr. Phil_ might say. He shook his head to clear it, "But that shouldn't be your top priority. Live for yourself before you live for others."

"Yeah, you're right, it's just kind of hard, you know, to push past everything that I went through and not want to just go out and get justice for everyone else in my mother's name," she admitted, rubbing her hand up and down her calf, watching the color change, much like her life, as she brushed her fingers over the material.

"Alright, well we have a solid start on the why you were thinking that way. How about we talk about what stopped you?" He asked.

"I just thought I owed it to myself to know why he was suddenly pulling away, why he didn't seem to want to wait around any longer." She shrugged, thinking that was a good enough reason.

The conversation lapsed for a few moments, but he decided that was enough of a start on her thoughts and reasoning. He provided some prompts to get the conversation flowing again, "I take it that you two did talk about your feelings, then? Did you talk about anything else?"

"Yeah, we talked about our feelings," she grinned up at him, her eyes lighting up, "he told me he loves me, still, and I- I told him the same." Her smile at that point was so bright that the doctor couldn't help smiling himself.

"That's great, Kate." He nodded, crossing his legs at the ankles in front of him, a rare tell of his relative ease with the situation. "Did you share any of your other feelings with him, or vice versa?"

"I did, _we_ did, I suppose. I told him about the thoughts I had been having, and we had a discussion about where we stand, and to an extent, where we want to go. He told me about why he was pulling away lately, and I wanted to smack myself for that, but once we had it all out on the table, things seemed really easy, natural."

"And I take it you're happy with that?" He questioned, knowing that she didn't always pick the easy, natural route.

"Of course!" She exclaimed. "I've had enough of complicated for a while, I think if he and I can keep up a natural flow of conversation, keep telling each other what's on our minds, we'll be safe."

"Wow," he said, surprised.

"Wow?" She questioned.

"Sorry, I just didn't really think that you would be the one to suggest that communication would be key in your relationship with Mister Castle, as it always seems to have been the weak point in the past." He chuckled, hoping to convey that he was at least somewhat joking.

She laughed outright, one loud HA, followed by a couple of breaths down her nose. "Yeah, I guess our communication hasn't ever been that great, but I think we're doing okay now, maybe this is a clean slate?"

"As much as everyone wants a clean slate, Kate, that's never going to happen. You will both be bringing things with you into this relationship, and you both need to be fully aware of what these things are," he counseled. Some others in his profession might have encouraged the clean slate approach, but he felt his view was more realistic, and would help more in the long run.

"I guess you're right," she paused, rubbing her forehead with a couple fingers before she continued, "maybe a clean slate is a bad metaphor," she thought for several moments, "Castle is so much better at metaphors than I am," she finally let out on a long breath.

"I think that it might benefit the both of you to talk about this metaphor of yours, figure out where you stand with each other, what you've been holding back." He checked his watch, and her eyes immediately drifted to her own, not much time left. "I know it may be hard for you to just lay it all out there for him, and he will likely be in the same situation, so you will need to be patient with each other."

She nodded, biting her lip.

"I think it may benefit the both of you to take some time off of work. You need a break from the all of the grief you mentioned, and if you were to take this break together, you two could use the opportunity to see how your relationship works without the added worry of trying to act a certain way around certain people, be it at work, or at home," he wanted to end it there, but didn't want her to take what he said as an innuendo of any sort, so he continued, "not to mention death literally knocking on your door at all hours of the night."

She smiled wryly at his imagery, but found it hard to believe he was recommending she take time off. "I think you're right. Work has been really stressful lately, and so has my personal life." He was mildly surprised that she was agreeing with him, she was a workaholic after all.

"It may be best if you take your time out of town, just the two of you, should you choose to spend the time with him. If you do, you can use the time get to know each other better as individuals, in a sense that you may think you do already, but likely do not." He made sure she understood that this was to be about building a relationship between the two of them, and _only_ the two of them, but that she also had the option to spend the time recouping on her own.

"I'm still finding it hard to believe that you want me to take time off of work…" she half-joked, but he could tell that she was at least somewhat serious, so he attempted to placate her.

"Kate, if I need to, I can offer my opinion to your captain, that you need a break, especially given the timing," he indicated to his own chest in explanation, "it has been nearly a year now."

She nodded, but then a thought occurred to her, "You- you wouldn't mention Castle to Gates though, would you?" Her eyes flared, worried about what his response might be.

"No, of course not, but I will tell her that I think you need the break, and that it would be in her best interest not to interfere with it in any way," he explained.

"Wow," she was speechless.

"Let me know, I'd be more than happy to make the call," he said, standing from his chair.

She rose slowly, and he ushered her to the door.

"Good luck," he whispered conspiratorially after her as she left.

She turned her head, throwing a smile and a 'thanks' over her shoulder.

She took the elevator down to the parking garage, suddenly glad she had driven today, because she needed to sit down and process for a little while. She got in her cruiser and leaned back against the seat heavily, letting all the doctor had said sink in. She should take a vacation, essentially, to what, have a lot of sex with Castle? No, well, not _only_ that, but she would need to talk to him about a lot of things, and vice versa if they wanted to start on a level playing field. She wondered if he would be okay with a little impromptu vacation, especially given that Alexis was due to graduate soon.

She let her thoughts swirl around, thinking through ways to ask him, places they may go, things they may do… her mind got stuck on that one for an obscene amount of time before the chirp of her phone alerted her to the fact that it was indeed time to get going if she wanted to see him anytime soon.

* * *

"Costas, Costas, Costas... You really came through for me, saved me a lot of time." He said, a smile appearing on his lips as he paged through the files he had been handed. "I knew making friends with you in Germany would pay off."

"Yeah, man, I did what you asked, but please, I don't _do_ this anymore, please don't ask me to do it again," Costas begged. "I didn't sign up to get shot," he grunted, clutching his shoulder.

"That shouldn't be a problem, Orlando, seeing as you reached the end of your usefulness when you let someone see you in that house." He pulled his 9mm from the holster at the small of his back. "I'm sorry to have to do this to you Costas, but you have endangered the integrity of my mission, and that's something we just can't have." With that, he pushed Costas to his knees and shot him in the forehead.

* * *

_**Thoughts?**_


	6. Conversation Hour

**AN: Hey guys, know this is late in the day, but _technically_ it's still Tuesday for me, so I didn't break any (self-imposed) deadlines... I've been advised to warn you of two things: "Swaggering dicks" and ... The fact that you will need a glass of ice water... though I'm not sure why... ;) *Cough* Rated M *Cough***

**Enjoy!**

* * *

"Hello?" She answered her phone on the second ring.

"Hey, Beckett, why don't you stop back at your place and grab some PJs," he started in immediately. "I'm thinking, I make us a light lunch, I pop in some cheesy movie, and we watch it all cuddled up in bed?"

"That sounds nice, Castle," she breathed, a smile forming. "What about Alexis?"

"We did our little library trip, but she cut it short to go study with some of her friends, they're running out of time, finals this week, you know?" He didn't really sound bothered by it, but she tell by the little breath he took at the end that there must be something up, she decided to wait and ask him in person.

"Yeah, I remember what that was like," she said, remembering back to when she was getting ready to graduate from high school and head off to Stanford. The memory surprisingly didn't hurt, she smiled at that.

"Alright, so how does some club sandwiches, homemade soda, and a bowl of popcorn sound?"

"Sounds like heaven, as long as it's with you," she replied, grinning like an idiot into her phone.

"Oh, Beckett, ever the cheese-ball," he teased down the line.

"If anyone is a cheese-ball, it's you, Rick," she chuckled, rolling her eyes. "Alright, I'll be over in a little while, any specific PJs you were looking for here…?" She asked seductively.

"Well, you could always just come straight over, and we could forego the clothes altogether…" he offered, full of swagger.

"Mmm, I like the way you think, Castle… but maybe I should pick up an outfit for tomorrow?"

"Oh, yeah, do that," he intoned. "I didn't even think about that. Sleepover, score!"

"See you in a bit, Castle," she bid.

"I look forward to it, Kate," he murmured before disconnecting.

* * *

He admitted her to the loft with a peck to her lips, which she gladly reciprocated. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her overnight bag dangling from her fingertips, and pressed up on her toes to kiss him more deeply. Her bag thumped to the floor, startling the both of them. They broke apart, each a little breathless.

"Hey," he whispered, touching his forehead to hers.

"Hey," she replied airily.

"I made lunch," he breathed, staring into her eyes.

"Mmm, good, I'm hungry," Kate said, leaning further into him and rubbing a hand slowly up his chest.

"I can see that," he teased, his eyes gleaming.

"I think you said something about lunch in bed?" She asked, trailing her fingers around his shoulder as she bent to grab her bag, heading in the direction of his bedroom.

"I did!" He called after her, running into the kitchen to grab the tray he had set up with sandwiches, homemade soda form his (awesome) Soda Stream, and a heaping bowl of fresh popcorn. When he entered his room she was already sitting cross-legged on one side of the bed, dressed down in pajama pants and a loose V-neck T-shirt, and propped up against some pillows. He made his way around the bed, depositing the tray in the center of the bed, and offering her a glass of fresh root beer. "Milady, care to try the root beer I made with the newest addition to my kitchen?"

"Sure, Castle, as long as you didn't put anything weird in it," she jested.

"Nope, just carbonated water and flavor syrup," he grinned, taking a sip from his own glass and sighing, "ah, that's good."

"Mmm, not bad, Castle," she said after taking a taste for herself.

"I wish I could take all of the credit, but alas, I did not invent the Soda Stream," he let out, seeming crestfallen, which he ruined with a wink.

They ate largely in companionable silence, tossing popcorn at each other every once in a while, making a huge mess, but neither seemed to care. He turned on The Princess Bride, the projector and screen lowering from the ceiling, much to Kate's surprise.

"Do you have gadgets in every room in the loft? I swear!" She shook her head, slightly in awe.

He paused to think for a moment, "No, I don't think there are any gadgets in Mother's room, but I don't really go in there, so who knows?" He shrugged, and hit a button on one of his many remotes, causing the curtains over his windows to slide closed. He moved the now empty tray out of the way, setting it on the floor next to the bed.

They cuddled up close, both eventually succumbing to sleep somewhere in the middle of the movie.

* * *

When Rick awoke a couple of hours later, he found his arms wrapped around Kate, whose head was nuzzled into his chest, breathing deeply. Their legs were tangled together under the blanket he had pulled over them just as the movie began, claiming it would enhance the experience, she just nodded along, snuggling into his side. If you had asked him a week ago, he never would have thought that Kate would be such a snuggler, but there he was, cuddled up against her, sleeping the day away, and loving every minute of it.

He felt around for the remote, turning off the projector and hiding the screen with a single tap of the power button. After setting the remote back on the nightstand, he snuggled down deeper into the bed, pulling the blanket up to cover them more fully, and pulled her into his chest, planting a kiss on the top of her head. He let his mind wander for a while, picturing all that could happen in the coming weeks and months, and hoping for some time that would be just for the two of them, some time to explore who they were together, in this new relationship.

Eventually his thoughts morphed into dreams, and he settled back into a peaceful sleep, curled around the woman he loved.

* * *

The next time either of them awoke, it was getting on into the late afternoon, still the perfect time to be lazy, especially on a day off.

She squirmed and stretched her sore muscles, the ones that had seen a bit more action last night than she had used to for quite some time. She groaned as her back muscles stretched, on the borderline between pleasure and pain. Rick stirred beside her, wrapping her in his arms once again, and nuzzling his head down the deep V of her shirt and into the valley of her breasts, causing a groan of a different kind to slip from her lips. He did it again, his nose skating the skin between her breasts as he inhaled deeply, the swish of air tickling against her and raising goose bumps across her torso.

"Castle," she breathed, running one hand around his back and carding her fingers through the hair at the back of his head, effectively holding him to her.

"Mmm, Kate," he murmured, pressing a kiss to the scar on her chest. "What time is it?"

"I'm not sure, I just woke up," she yawned, rolling her shoulders slightly.

"Yeah, I'm up too," he swaggered, pressing the evidence of his arousal up against her through the layers of each of their sleep pants.

"Oh God, that line was horrible," she laughed, shoving him back slightly.

"Yeah, it was, but it got my point across," he chuckled, pulling her back towards him.

She rolled up to straddle his waist, grinding down on him lightly. "Yeah, it did… did you want to do something about that?" She asked, her hands running up his torso under his shirt.

"Uh-" his breath caught slightly, "yeah. Yes. We should do something about that," he panted, his hands rising to settle on her hips.

She just smirked, brushed his hands off, and pulled him up into a seated position so she could pull his shirt over his head. He reciprocated a moment later, tugging her shirt from her body, his mouth automatically seeking the column of her neck the moment the garment was removed, immediately followed by both of their bottoms.

Her arms encircled him, clutching at his back, her short nails digging in as he bit and sucked on her pulse point, a low moan slipping from her lips. She could feel her heart hammering in her chest, her breathing escalating as one of his hands wound its way between their bodies and found her center. He worked his fingers over her swiftly, tapping out a rhythm not unlike the one of his fingers on the keys of his laptop.

She pushed him back down onto the mattress, aligning her hips with his and taking him inside her. There was no way either of them was going to last. One minute this had been sleepy, cuddly foreplay, and now it was just about each of them getting their release, she thought. She swiveled her hips quickly and erratically against his several times before he gripped them, stilling her movements.

"Kate," he choked out, "what's the rush?"

Her head dropped forward, her hair tickling his chest before she collapsed into him entirely, her breaths shaking.

"Kate?"

"I'm just so-" she searched for the right word, "Ugh, I'm just so horny. This morning I couldn't keep my hands or _mouth_ off of you, and now I can't even go slow, I don't know what's _wrong _with me."

He chuckled until she lifted her head and gave him a glare. "There's nothing wrong with you, Kate, but you know, I thought maybe- well, we used protection last night, and… you caught me off guard just now…"

"Oh, God!" She sat up, attempting to pull away from him.

"Wait! Stop!" He ground out, pulling her back down onto him. "I'm clean, you're clean, right?"

"Yeah," she breathed, her eyes wide, the quick shift in angle jarring her.

"Are you-" he cleared his throat, "are you on the pill?"

"Castle, come on, you see me take it every day at work," she rolled her eyes.

"Hey, I'm not _that_ nosy!" He protested, shifting his hips up into her gently.

"Sure, whatever, but- yes," she panted, "yes, I am."

"Okay, so… this one time, we don't need to, and then we'll just try to use them in the future?" He said, making it sound like a question and thrusting fluidly into her once.

"Yeah," she groaned, the slow motion of his hips doing it for her, "I'd… I'd like to play it safe, if that's okay," she whispered, not meeting his eyes as hers had slipped closed.

"Of course, Kate, I want to play it safe too," he murmured, pulling her chin up and dragging her face to his. "We can talk about babies later, be it a month from now, a year from now, whenever you want." He accentuated each span of time with an accompanying motion of his hips, withdrawing and pushing upward in a short, then progressively longer motion.

Her eyes widened again, a byproduct of both his kisses and the rocking of his hips into her. "B-babies?" She exhaled when their lips parted.

"Yeah, Kate, babies, and marriage, and vacations, and the kinky stuff that no one else would oblige you…" He grinned up at her, giving an accentuated and particularly hard thrust upward with the last item on his list.

"Wow." She was speechless. He _had_ mentioned vacations though, which seemed like a good segue to asking him about getting away for a while; how her brain was still functioning was beyond her. "Vacations, huh?" She asked, a small smile playing at her lips. "Do you… would you like to go on a vacation now? Soon?"

"I would love to, Kate, but I'm not going to push you, I know how much you love your job," he said sincerely, slowing his movements to place a light kiss on her lips.

"What if I had some vacation time coming, and I really wanted to take it… with you?" She offered up, kissing him more solidly and grinding her hips down for friction.

"Well, I would be a fool to say no, so I won't. When is this magical vacation time that you have-" he swallowed as she ground down harder, "-coming?"

"That depends… Doctor Burke said I should take some time soon, so… It could be as soon as next week…" she trailed off, sitting up and throwing her head back. "Ugh, yes!" She panted.

"Okay, well, Alexis graduates on Saturday, do you think we could stick around for that?" He asked, pondering places they could go, thinking that somewhere private would be best, considering their current situation. He shook his head, clearing the thoughts away as he stared up at her undulating form above him, he let the thumb of one hand trail down to her center, toying with her clit.

"Really? You want to go?" She questioned, whipping her head around to look him in the eyes, almost disbelieving.

"Of course, Kate!" He reassured, circling her bundle of nerves with his thumb and pushing up into her in a steadily growing rhythm. "I just want to go to Alexis' graduation, and then, maybe after a nice celebratory dinner, you and I can head out to the Hamptons? It's secluded, private, relaxing, the perfect place for a little time-" he thrust up swiftly, "-off. No jet-lag involved." He grinned up at her, waggling his eyebrows, and hoping she would take him up on his offer.

"God, I love you," she whispered, pressing her lips against his softly, all of the urgency from before having returned, but this time he was only happy to oblige.

They made love now, keeping a decent pace, their embrace gentle and rocking, yet also harsh and unerring. Each of them coming to the top of the cliff and leaping off together. They held each other tightly as they floated back down to earth. Both entirely spent, they slipped back into a restful sleep.

* * *

**AN: Hey, real quick, I know this is (fairly) short, but I am thinking about throwing in a "chapter 6.5" kind of thing, probably throw it up on Friday or Saturday, maybe... **

_**Thoughts?**_


End file.
